A fly is flying over a pond and says "I wish i could fly down and get a drink of water, but there's a fish down there. If i move, he's gonna jump up and eat me. I better stay where I'm at"

The fish looks at the fly and says, "I wish the fly would fly down, so i can jump up and eat it, but there's a bear in the woods. If i move, he's going to eat me, so i better stay where I'm at"

The bear looks at the fly and says, "I wish that fly would fly down, so the fish would jump up, so i can get the fish, but there's a hunter across the pond. If i move he's going to shoot me, so i better stay where I'm at"

The Hunter looks at the fly and says, " I wish that fly would fly down, the fish jump up, the bear get the fish, so i can shoot the bear, but there's an ant over there, and if i move, he's gonna eat my sandwich. So i better stay where I'm at."

The Ant looks at the fly and says, "I wish that fly would fly down, the fish jump up, the bear get the fish, the hunter get the bear, so i can get the sandwich, but there's a mouse behind me...and if i move, he's going to eat me. So i better stay where I'm at."

The mouse looks at the fly and says, " I wish the fly would fly down, the fish jump up, the bear get the fish, the hunter shoot the bear, the ant get the sandwich, so i can get the ant, but there's a cat behind me. If i move the cat's gonna eat me. I better stay where I'm at"

The cat looks at the fly and says, "I wish that fly would fly down, the fish jump up, the bear get the fish, the hunter get the bear, the ant get the sandwich, the mouse get the ant, so i can get the mouse. Ahh... what are the odds of that happening? I'll just stay where I'm at"

ALL OF A SUDDEN.....

The fly flies down, the fish jumps up, the bear gets the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the ant gets the sandwich, the mouse gets the ant, and the cat falls in the water.

What's the MORAL of the story?

Takes a hell of a lot of foreplay... to get a pussy wet.

Another doctor joke:

“Doctor,� the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.� “Mr. Thomas,� said the doctor, �bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.�

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,� the doc said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.�

The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,� he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.�

The Post Office are releasing a new stamp in the shape of a clit...

Its not selling too well as only 3% of the population know how to lick it properly!!

(ok... well it wasnt a very long joke... lol)

two elephants are standing on a small hilltop, one asks the other one: "Can I push you off?", the other one says:"no."

Man, I never get the intellectual jokes like that one!

:)

Tottenham

A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.


There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note: Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?



Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.



Older Woman: Oh, I see.



Officer: Can I see your license please?



Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.



Officer: Don't have one?



Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.



Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.



Older Woman: I can't do that.



Officer: Why not?



Older Woman: I stole this car.



Officer: Stole it?



Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.



Officer: You what?



Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.






The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.



A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.




Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.



Older woman: Is there a problem sir?



Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.



Older Woman: Murdered the owner?



Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.



The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.




Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?



Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.



Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.






The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.






Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.


Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

A Marine platoon was on patrol when the lieutenant noticed a lone Airborne Ranger standing on a hill top in their area. The LT told two of his men to go whup his ass and bring him back to the platoon's patrol base.

They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the Ranger. Just before they got to the top, the Ranger ran over the other side of the hill. The Marines followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Ranger came back up on the hill top. He brushed off his uniform, straightened his patrol cap, crossed his arms and stood there belly-laughing at the Marine platoon.

The lieutenant, now as pissed as ever, called for a squad of eight men to go get that Ranger. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the Ranger. Just before they got to the top, the Ranger ran over the other side of the hill.

The squad quickly followed. For the next few minutes, there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Ranger came back up on the hill top. Again, he brushed off his uniform, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and just laughed his ass off at the visibly nervous Marine platoon.

The lieutenant was shaking mad now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack the Airborne Ranger. Determined that Marines were far superior than any single Ranger, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill. Just before they got to the top, the Ranger ran over the other side of the hill and the Marines followed.

For many minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. It went on for what seemed like hours. Finally there was last hideous scream and the one remaining Marine crawled back to his lieutenant, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His cammie's were torn, cuts were all over his body. The LT asked for a situation report.

The lone soldier, bloody and near death, replied in a forceful and fearful voice "Sir, run for your life, it's a trick. There are TWO of them!!"