Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties on dis flight."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm gonna wear me some bright fluorescent orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.
The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first"
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties at all."
"What, no panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"Dat's right," says the third lady "I'm not wearing any panties,cause if dat plane goes down, the first thing they always look for is da black box."

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wraped in cling film with nothing underneath.

The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

Q: What's the difference between zombies?

A: Zombies make honey, and zombies don't.

Q: What kind of bees give milk?

A: Boobies.

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a parkbenchhaving a quietconversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash Her crack and sell it again.

Two whales were swimming around leisurely in the ocean, when they happened upon a ship stranded on a reef.
The ship had tilted and things weren't looking good for the fishermen who were still on deck.

The whales decide to try to help them but aren't quite sure how...
Whale 1: "How about we swim under the ship and blow air through our airholes thus trying to stop the ship from capsizing?"
Said and done. They dive under and start blowing as much and hard as they can through their airholes.
This only makes things worse and the ship is now completely capsized. Fishermen are scattered all around the water and the whales are franticly trying to think of another way they can help.

Whale 1: "Maybe we can scoop up the fishermen in our mouths and swim to nearest shore?"
Whale 2: "NO WAY! Look... I don't mind giving a blow job, but I won't take any seamen in my mouth!"

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing.......they're both stuck up bitches.

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Q: Moms have Mother’s Day and dads have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday.

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."